Musings on the Emotions of Numbers
We all hold on to numbers. How much we weighed in high school. The dress size we were at in March of 2020 and the dress size we are at now. The number WW points there are in a bag of popcorn. Our highest output on the Peloton.
We remember these numbers for different reasons. Maybe we’re competitive with ourselves or others. Maybe we have photographic memories. Maybe those numbers stand for something deeply emotional in the back (or front) of our psyche.
The above photo was taken on April 12, six years ago.
Six years ago, I hit a personal deadlift record of 225lbs. And it made me feel like I was finally a legit fitness professional.
In this photograph, I weighed 122lbs. I needed to lose one more in order to go through a kettlebell instructor certification so that I could be tested using a 12kg bell rather than a 16kg bell (which was too heavy for me to do some of the tests with, which made me feel a little less-than).
Fast forward to four months later:
I’d gained back the weight I’d lost for the certification and then some (up to 128lbs, not that I cared…?)
I couldn’t deadlift even 135lbs without pain
I had a piece of paper that said I was a certified kettlebell instructor for this “highly regarded” organization within the trainer community but still felt “less-than” for not being able to press a 16kg bell overhead even once.
I’d felt like a BADASS on April 12, 2015.
And then I felt like a -- what’s the opposite of badass? Goodass? -- loser just four months later.
Numbers: They are meant to be black and white. They (like food) have no ethical value.
But, GOOD LORD, are we good at giving numbers all of the meaning in our lives!
As I’ve been philosophising on the six years between this photo and where I am now, here are some thoughts I’ve come up with:
Our weight now (and at any time in our lives) does not and should not give anyone insight into the kinds of people we are. Our weight, our muffin top six-pack abs, our bulging biceps or fleshy triceps DO NOT demonstrate our ability and capacity to love, to empathize, or to make the world a better place. Our weight doesn’t even determine how healthy we are (ahem, BMI, you piece of shit, I’m talking to you).
How much you deadlift or bench or how many times/week you ride your Peloton does not make you a good or bad human being. Sure, it can be a stress reliever which makes you feel like a NICER human being, but that’s different. Missing a week of workouts would not make Mother Theresa less of a saint, and Ted Kaczynski getting a personal back squat record would not make him less of a domestic terrorist.
How much you weighed in high school has no bearing on who you were then or who you are now. I mean, it DEFINITELY should not have anything to do with who you are now. We gain the right age. Our lifestyles change. Our hormones change. We might have gone from pre- to post-partum. We might have had some surgeries. We might have all just been in (or still are in) Life In the Time of Covid which may have changed how much we’ve moved, feasted, imbibed, and how many hours of Netflix we’ve logged. Things ebb, they flow, and -- sing it with me! -- the number on the scale STILL does not determine who you are as a human being.
It is OK to want to lose weight. Your reasons are yours alone. And if your reason, your Why, is “because I’ll be happy when I lose the weight,” I will strongly suggest you dig deeper into how you think it will bring you real happiness.
It is OK to have a strength goal. In fact, I insist on it! Mine is currently to deadlift 200lbs by the end of the year without pain. Not because I want to brag about it (I will but it’s not my Why), and not because it will legitimize me as a fitness professional. It’s my goal because I thoroughly enjoy the process of getting better at doing things. (And this time I am learning to do it the right way with the right programming for me, so I can do it pain-free, don’t worry.) Oh. And I already know I’m a legitimate fitness professional, so there’s that.
One is the loneliest number. We’re humans. We struggle. Especially alone. We are stronger together and surrounding ourselves with a team of people who look out for our health and wellness is the most important piece of self care you can put into your puzzle. The members of your team can be made up of friends, partners, co-workers, pets (seriously), chiropractors, psychologists, acupuncturists, even your own clients. You get to decide. Choose well and the numbers that will count are all of the happy days you get to have.
If you are looking for some health and fitness guidance, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Whether I’m your right fit or don’t quite make the puzzle piece, I will point you in the best direction for you. You can make an appointment to call here or email izzy@izzyfit.com.
